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I AM THE WORLD’S MOST FUCKABLE CONSERVATIVE WUNDERKIND AND I DEMAND YOUR RESPECT - MCSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY

Many people, spanning all demographics, say 24 is far too young to be a political pundit. They say I couldn’t possibly hold the necessary life experience to have anything worthwhile to say, or see beyond my own very narrow, one-dimensional experiences. But to these people, I say: have you also considered how conventionally attractive I am?

 
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I’M A BABY BOOMER AND I’M MAD THAT THE WORLD ISN’T A STAGNANT ROCK - McSweeney's Internet tendency

Though there are already approximately fourteen-thousand think-pieces on the internet about how bad millennials are, as well as an entire monologue devoted to it in the pilot of The Newsroom, I am certain that it’s my voice that has been missing from this conversation. Some would say that generational discourse is a never-ending cycle and that every generation has made the same argument about the new generation since the beginning of time. Others would say that the topic of millennials in general has been beaten to death and entails nothing but cheap shots. To that I say: Okay, but have you heard MY take? Surely, the voice missing in this already exhausted debate is mine!

 
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The #Metoo Movement has put a stranglehold on me, the least funny person in the room - Mcsweeney's internet tendency 

For years now, I’ve benefited from being the loudest person in the room, which up until now has also meant “funniest” by default. But in the wake of the #MeToo movement, I worry what this all means for me, a genuinely unfunny person.

 

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AARON SORKIN - The belladonna comedy

6:00am: I wake up in a cold sweat, just like every morning. Six am on the dot, the very way I trained myself. I break into a blood-curdling scream: the only way to get my assistant’s attention. I’ve never tried calling her a different way, but I’m certain that this is the only method that works.

 

SIX EASY WAYS TO MAKE THE WOMEN’S MARCH ALL ABOUT YOU - Full Frontal with Samantha Bee (Co-Written)

6:00am: I wake up in a cold sweat, just like every morning. Six am on the dot, the very way I trained myself. I break into a blood-curdling scream: the only way to get my assistant’s attention. I’ve never tried calling her a different way, but I’m certain that this is the only method that works.

 

A GREAT WHITE SHARK ON THE REHABILITATION OF GEORGE W. BUSH - Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

As a Great White Shark, I’ve had my fair share of biases to combat. I’m universally feared, I’ve been the subject of countless horror film hit-pieces, and everyone thinks I’m some murderous freak even though you’re more likely to be killed by an alligator or lightning strike. It feels like there’s nothing I can do to shake my reputation as one of the world’s deadliest creatures, which is why I can’t seem to understand how a mere eight years after leaving office, George W. Bush has been rebranded into a loveable old goof.

 

THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS USING TAX RETURNS TO DISTRACT YOU FROM MY ONE-WOMAN SHOW - Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

Last night, Rachel Maddow’s bombshell announcement that she had obtained Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns set the internet ablaze. And when, right around the 18th commercial break, that bombshell was revealed to be more of a damp sparkler, the internet furiously wondered if Trump himself released this 1040-GFY as a diversionary tactic.