Written for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee's Medium account.
Last night, Rachel Maddow’s bombshell announcement that she had obtained Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns set the internet ablaze. And when, right around the 18th commercial break, that bombshell was revealed to be more of a damp sparkler, the internet furiously wondered if Trump himself released this 1040-GFY as a diversionary tactic.
Well I am here to tell you, 1) Yes, he most certainly did, and 2) Why.
Of course, The White House wants you to believe that this tepid leak was against their will. But do not be fooled: this is a calculated move. The real story here is that the Trump Administration is using his tax return to distract you from my one-woman show, which is next Friday at 7:30pm at the Magnet Theater in New York.
Think about it. My show is in a mere ten days — a time in which the Facebook event should be reaching its PEAK attendance count, and ticket sales should be at an all-time high. Instead, everyone I know is sharing article after article about tax returns and what they mean. (Come on, Ainsley, you can’t even remember your pin number so don’t act like you suddenly get the nuances of the alternative minimum tax.) Once again, everyone but me is distracted by the shiny object, incapable of staying focused on the matter at hand. I’ve tweeted “WHO IS COMING TO MY SHOW?” at least six times today alone, and I am still not trending, yet somehow, #TrumpTaxReturns is.
We. Need. To. Stay. Focused. A smart, strong, brave young woman dares to break boundaries with a three-and-a-half hour reproduction of Macbeth in which each character represents her father at different times in her life, and then all of a sudden, these tax returns appear? Wake UP. This is no coincidence. The truth is, the Trump Administration is shaking in their boots at the idea that Banquo will be reworked to represent my father during the year I got my period, and they will do anything to steal the narrative.
(And it should go without saying that I no longer consider Rachel Maddow an ally. Wow. All I can say is, thank lady-god my show is about betrayal. I will use this.)
So if you want to keep falling into every trap the Trump Administration sets for you, by all means, continue to talk about this fruitless tax story. But if you want to see something real, attend my show next Friday, where I am guaranteed to make you think for once. Just know that if you don’t come, you’ve let them win.
And please buy a drink for fuck’s sake. I’m tired of having to make up the difference on the guaranteed bar tab.