I Am the World’s Most Fuckable Conservative Wunderkind and I Demand Your Respect

Many people, spanning all demographics, say 24 is far too young to be a political pundit. They say I couldn’t possibly hold the necessary life experience to have anything worthwhile to say, or see beyond my own very narrow, one-dimensional experiences. But to these people, I say: have you also considered how conventionally attractive I am?

Quite frankly, I’m sick of having to explain or defend myself to these critics. I’m tired of hearing that my arguments lack research, perspective, and nuance; that my whole shtick is being outraged and speaking in a controlled scream. Have you not seen my beautiful, flowing blonde hair and shining white teeth? That is my shtick.

I’m constantly battling accusations from the left that I don’t know what I’m talking about — something that has not once come up with my conservative fans who have the respect to keep their commentary limited to how badly they want to fuck me. Others say I’ve never struggled in my life or had to work hard for anything, as if I didn’t work tirelessly for weeks to get to where I am today. They doubt my expertise; demand to know why I deserve this platform — as if they haven’t even seen how good I look in a pair of short shorts.

A couple years ago, I was a lifeguard at our country club’s pool for the entire summer before my senior year of undergrad. The shifts were grueling, four-hour sessions in the sun, but you didn’t see me taking a knee during the National Anthem. Long story short, a boy died on my watch, and my mother wasted weeks of her life trying to get his parents to leave me alone. The point being? My life hasn’t been the walk in the park all you snowflakes would love to think it’s been.

I am a game changer. A fuckable conservative wunderkind. My presence fills a previously untapped market of hot, young blondes willing to post sexy pictures on Instagram with anti-Hillary captions. The haters can keep trying to silence me, but they will fail. I vow to stay right here, speaking what I’ve been paid enough to believe is the truth, for the rest of my prime.*

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*Currently estimated as another 3-5 years.