A piece I wrote for McSweeney's Internet Tendency satirizing the never-ending criticisms of millennials. See here or read below.
Though there are already approximately fourteen-thousand think-pieces on the internet about how bad millennials are, as well as an entire monologue devoted to it in the pilot of The Newsroom, I am certain that it’s my voice that has been missing from this conversation. Some would say that generational discourse is a never-ending cycle and that every generation has made the same argument about the new generation since the beginning of time. Others would say that the topic of millennials in general has been beaten to death and entails nothing but cheap shots. To that I say: Okay, but have you heard MY take? Surely, the voice missing in this already exhausted debate is mine!
The first point in this argument that I constructed while taking my morning shit is that millennials use their phones a lot. These kids are obsessed with their devices! I’m sure there are numbers available that back me up on this, so please just google them. Millennials are always on Twitter posting “selfies” because they’re narcissistic enough to not be ashamed of themselves. My generation knows that the only acceptable form of narcissism is procreating to bring a small replica of oneself into the world. And while I do use Twitter, I limit my use to important tasks, like repeatedly asking if anyone knows Sally Struthers’ email so I can ask her to have sex with me. (Side note: if you know Ms. Struthers’ email, please fax it to me.)
Secondly, millennials have yet to learn that respect is given to me, not earned. Yesterday I was trying to talk to a millennial about how Hollywood has not made one decent movie since Al Jolson died, and they had the audacity to say, “Can we talk about this later? I’m trying to work on my Master’s Thesis.” Typical millennial! Back in my day, when a man was trying to speak his unsolicited opinions at you, you had the respect to sit quietly and listen, and not work on a “Master’s Thesis” because women were not encouraged to seek higher education.
My third point is that I am sad to not be young anymore.
In summary, I’d like to say that new things are bad, and old things are good. I don’t like that new things are being invented and changing the way we communicate and work. Back in my day, things were harder to do, and I think everything should continue to be hard. I don’t believe that language should be fluid. We should speak like our forefathers intended us to speak: in Latin. I’m terrified of my own mortality and fading relevancy. Stop inventing new things. Everyone should be Amish. I love war. An actual publication decided my thoughts were legitimate enough to publish.