Featured in National Lampoon before the brand was bought and their website wiped.

5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed entitled The Personal Essay Boom is Over. This is devastating news for me, a personal essay writer with so many stories left to tell. Here’s a preview of the five essays I was working on that will never be.

You Were My Song, But I Had My Playlist On Shuffle

We were doomed from the start — destined for tragedy. You were the song I wanted to play on repeat, but I had my playlist on shuffle. And oh boy, was it beautiful. Like my favorite pair of faded jeans — double the price of a regular pair of jeans because I paid for them to look worn. We both understand what these metaphors mean, because we shared something special. Something wistful and nostalgic and undoubtedly special. But we could never be.

I was a child of divorce. Here’s how I got accepted into NYU Tisch.

Somebody told me NYU Tisch did not accept children of divorce in their drama program. I did not verify this information, but I can only assume it is true. I am here to tell you the brave but true story about how I still filled out the application and paid $40,000 a year to attend NYU Tisch, a school that I assume hated me for who I was.

I thought my wedding would be the happiest day of my life. Turns out, it was.

Not a lot going on in this one, just wanted to say it was a good time

Love the Girl who is Messy and Imperfect and is Under Federal Investigation

If you’re looking for a fling, go for a girl who’s “perfect.” If you’re looking for a relationship that will challenge you, excite you, and possibly implicate you in a federal crime: love the girl who’s imperfect. Love the girl whose clothes are thrown on the floor. The girl who doesn’t always show up on time. The girl who’s made mistakes. The girl who’s gotten a subpoena for the records from her “internet cafe” business because it’s under federal investigation.

To the Beautiful Girls who are Beautiful and Sad, but Beautiful: You are Beautiful

Hey there, gorgeous. I know sometimes you feel sad. And I’m here to romanticize that. Make no mistake: not only are you beautiful despite your sadness, you are beautiful because of your sadness. Never lose it. In fact, to be honest, I was never super into you when you were happy. But the sadness? It’s really working. Hold onto it.